Love goes cold in the shades of doubt (aphrop) wrote,
Love goes cold in the shades of doubt
aphrop

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long ramble about school and my life...

is it wrong to be slightly looking forward to school starting?

I mean.. I'm looking forward to splitting into smaller lodges, I'm looking forward to being a slightly better student, to having cold winter-term afternoons spent in "the vampire place" to Big Black Coats with capital letters (I have a feeling that Harriet started up the expression "BCB" or "Black Coat Brigade"... hmm, now THERE'S an indie/emo band name if I EVER heard it :P)

I'm not looking forward to a few confrontations with a few people and yet, in a way I am, because once they're over and done with/dealt with, it's another chapter of my life shut and finished and another started, and that's another layer to me as a person.

I'm starting this term doing something purely by choice and which I COULD stop doing, just because it's not always easy, but which I'm not going to because it's going to improve me as a person, physically AND mentally.

I think I've grown as a person a bit over these holidays, my musical tastes have developed out of the easiness of mainstream pop into my own mix of bands, both known and unknown, and I've read things I've wanted to read for a while, I've spoken back to my parents about things that annoy me, I've made some choices that needed to be made but which I'd been putting off.

Emotionally, I'm far more settled than I was at this same time last year, when I was... well, a few people who know me closely in real life will know what I was going through, especially around the end of last summer.

for me the summer holidays are usually spent largely by myself; parents and siblings at work, so become for me a kind of... time to recharge my "Helen" Batteries, reapply a coat of myself that gets chipped away by a year of my peers pushing their opinions on me, a time to take a slightly more introspective look at myself and re-evaluate my thoughts and what I'm doing with myself. This probablyexplains why last summer I came out of it a little rough, I didn't really have anything to hold onto, now I'm immersed in lyrics, poetry, music, writing, I'm finding myself in words and music and I'm getting the first glimpses of an image of my inner-self.

I'm not exstatically happy, and I'm getting the idea that that's ok, and that I maybe never will be all the time and that, indeed, if I were, life would be miserable because well, were I always happy nothing could ever.. make me.. happy? everything would just be ordinary. No one is happy all the time, most of the people who are are just hiding their inner-weirdness... inner-fear.

I'm just.. I don't know, I'm just ready to take on a challenge I've been setting myself up to take for my whole life, this year I start, really, three years of working for exams, putting everything I've learnt into practice, using it for what I was taught it for.

After these three years, well; after that everything I do is by choice, more school, no school, a low-paid job, a high-paid job, no-job, new-life, new-family, new-kids, gods, I'm frightening myself.


But until these three years are over, I'm making MYSELF a promise, I'm going to work DAMN hard, and if I break it I only disappoint myself.
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