Love goes cold in the shades of doubt (aphrop) wrote,
Love goes cold in the shades of doubt

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parents, madness and Pete.

I feel like a very mean daughter indeed.
why? Because mum and dad are coming home tomorrow and I know I should be looking forward to seeing them but the truth is i'm kind of dreading it.

These last (not quite) two weeks have been really nice, very chilled, we've been eating what we like, when we like (And by what we like I do not mean junk, we've been cooking proper things, just slightly more adventurous than what mum cooks, not to mention far more vegetables, pittas, fresh yoghurt, fish; we haven't eaten any red meat even. I like going to sainsbury's and spending the shopping money on stuff we like and will actually eat, fresh fruit and salad stuff, rather than tins that get put to the back of the cupboard and never used.

Mum left us a list of "suggested meals" it was things like chicken nuggets, pizza, burgers, oven chips, sort of.. practically-ready-made stuff which you'd expect a couple of teenagers to make when left alone, or what you'd leave the babysitter to make for the kids Instead we invented recipes, lemon-spiced-chicken in seasoned flour, enchiladas, ceasar salads a-plenty.

Perhaps mum forgets that Kate's lived by herself for 3 years at Uni, that Pete's 20-freaking-5 and That I'm... well, I'm 15, but I'm mature, I can cook gods-damnit, I invented stuff that all bowed down to and said tasted ok!

Yesterday dinner was the real final test. Dad likes us to sit in near-silence so he can watch the news, or "Neighbours" or some other god-awful-soap-opera-replacement-life-for-the-one-he-is-not-living. He asks a question but complains if the answer is more than two words long and intrudes on what "his characters" are saying. Yesterday, we talked about the art I was doing for school and it's theme if "Chos and order in Nture" how I was taking this on to look at the differences in the "chaos" of a "lunatic's" mind and the comparative "order" of, say, a housewives. We discussed what makes people mad, how society's hold makes us who we are, how "madness" is, in it's basis, simply being free, saying what everyone thinks but what the "normal" does not accept. How if you are raised by monkey's that's what you consider sane, how genetics works, how having a parent that beats the other or their children may make the child hate the idea of abuse, but how genetics may lead them to become wife/husband beaters, how madness could be genetic, we talked about genetics, and the Lymbic system of teh brain, we quoted philosophers! We talked about the biology, the chemicals. If dad had been there he would have made an ill-timed joke, instead we had an incredibly interesting, introspective debate on human nature.

And they are coming back tomorrow. And I fear that our new-found liberation may be going as well.

In other news.. Pete ate dinner with us about... twice. he tended to take his dinner in his room, despite our asking, nay, occasional begging for him to come join us. He took on dad's roll and shooshed us when we laughed too loudly. He came and played X-box with Matt and I once, and he was fun I just wish he was more outgoing; he's such a nice guy, he really could be fun! I mean; he's not unintelligent, he needs to form his own opinions rather than those of talk-show-hosts and movies, but if he just interacted with real human beings rather than the avatars on his games he could form those opinions and, in reality, not trying to offend him; form some sembalence of a life. Katy is 23, in a long term relationship, going to Thailand for a few months, when she comes back she and Matt are going to buy a flat/house, they'll almost certainly get married, they both admit to it. And Peter is 25, living at home, his mother still washing his shirts and cooking his meals. Monet may have lived with his mother well into his fourties, but I doubt he tried to lord it over his sisters as though he were more intelligent than them while they went out and experienced the world. Monet may have stayed at home and painted, but he was doing something constructive that actually gave him an outlet. I'm worried that he's going to drive himself made, locked in a room with only the glow of two computer screens, the hum of real conversation being slowly more and more outweighed by the hum of his computer fans. All his old friends are resigned to the fac that he is; in essence, dead to them. He refers to them as his mates when in reality they're Kate's. once in a while they'll say "What, no Pete?" but everyone know's it's a joke. He's dug himself so deep into a hole that if he wants to get out of it he's left it too long and the ladder isn't long enough. He's going to have to form a whole set of new relationships and friends, with none of the old to stay as hand holds. Even solid foundations can crumble and he's let the timber rot.

His so-called "mates" have invited me out. I love him and I hate what he's letting himself become; a total recluse. I know how easy it is to sit and be alone, I know I'd sometimes much rather be by myself and not have to worry about what people think, but I also know that having people think about you is part of growing up; facing fears and your peers makes you and shapes you into an adult. It's fast becoming apparent that in that sense his "Little sis's" as he likes to call us, are getting to be more grown up than him.

I don't know why I'm going on so much... it's just this really is something that's been on my mind a lot, more and more as I see him get another year older, and all his old friends coupling off and getting married, and mum and dad talking about their retirement, and dad quietly saying he thinks I'll be gone before Pete, I've been a part of the conversations where we discuss how he's so competetive he'll probably move out when Kate gets a house (He got his liscense only when she did etc). I just don't want him to wastehimself like this!
Argh.. he is so frustrating.

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